President Trump Resigns… Just kidding.
By: Helen A. HandbasketWashington, D.C. – Yesterday reporter Mark Kent told close associates at the Washington Post that he thought he had been given a bombshell story when he was surreptitiously handed a manila envelope by someone close to the President. The mysterious delivery contained the draft of a speech written by Trump before he left for Saudi Arabia. Mr. Kent told his colleagues that in it Trump said,
"My fellow Americans, recently I sat down and I said to myself, ‘Donald J. Trump, no one likes you. Only you can fix this. People say that I can't change but I am unpredictable. I can change. Believe me. First, I will stop referring to myself in the third person. I am not the king. And no more acting entitled. From now on, everyone gets two scoops of ice cream. Next, I will stop boasting about my history – making the Electoral College win and the amazing record - setting inauguration crowd. This may be the hardest for me but I will start telling the truth. Jobs are not coming back, I don't care about the health of anyone, the American taxpayer is paying for the wall, and Putin is blackmailing me. I am going to apologize to everyone I insulted or groped. As of now I am taking responsibility for myself and no longer blaming Obama, even though I did find a hair in my soup that looks like it came off of his Kenyan head. Today, I resign as President. My apologies for turning over the government to Mike Pence, who might be even worse than me. Good night, America’."
"Much to my disappointment," Mr. Kent told his colleagues, “after reading this amazing document, I woke up. The whole thing, from start to finish, was just a dream."