“Donald Trump won? WTF?” says the groundhog.
By: Phil A. BusterPunxsutawney, PA – As he does every year on February 2nd, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his winter slumber. In his groggy state, he rubbed his eyes and asked, “Is Hillary all settled into the White House?” The folks in the crowd looked around awkwardly while the mayor explained, “Um, yeah, here's the thing. Donald Trump won. He is in the White House.” Phil’s jaw dropped as he exclaimed, “Donald Trump won? WTF?”
Phil then declared that he saw a huge dark shadow hanging over the United States and decided to retreat back into his hole. “Wake me up in four years. I’m outta here. Peace out!” he said.
Republicans are using Punxsutawney Phil’s retreat to his hole to draft an executive order declaring that winter is extended and therefore global warming must be a hoax. “We must shut down the failed and disastrous EPA. The groundhog declared more winter. Global warming is FAKE NEWS!” tweeted Trump.